Michelin Says "Non!" to America
Oh, and Ferrari Was 1-2
United States Grand Prix

By Erik Nielsen
Photos courtesy and copyright Ferrari Media

Where to begin? This one is going to be a long one (maybe even longer than the race), so you might as well stop now and fill up your coffee or get a nice Scotch depending on where you are and what time it is when you first read this.

Now then, comfy? Okay, let’s begin.

I'm writing this on the Tuesday after the race for two reasons: firstly, because I didn't think I would make any sense if I wrote it at four in the morning on Monday just before I needed to get to the office for my real job, and secondly, so I could make sure that I was back in a sour mood to be able to vent properly.

If you just focus on the race itself, it was a good day to be a true member of the tifosi. Ferrari showed up with the proper and safe equipment, started the race and actually challenged the other drivers in the field. Michael Schumacher led from the start by staying ahead of his team mate where he would stay until the first round of pit stops. The only interesting thing to drive around were water bottles thrown by the "relo-class" as the NY Times calls them that drove to the race in their leased BMW 3-series cars and would head home to their starter castles with no furniture or beer cans thrown by the trailer trash that lives a block away from the previous people yet never seem to be invited over for cocktails. Any video tapes of these senseless and dangerous actions should be turned over to law enforcement for proper action. Someone could have been killed.

At the end of the first round of pit stops, Rubens Barrichello was in the lead and would stay there until the second round of stops. Again, more avoiding of rubbish thrown on the track and it seemed as though Michael wouldn't challenge him for the lead. That all changed during Michael's second stop where he came out and challenged the Brazilian driver. Rubens tried to overtake in the first corner but ran out of talent and slid off into the grass. The race would end one – two for the Scuderia, giving the boys in red maximum points and closing the gap in both the driver's and constructor's championships.

Okay, now the fun part. (He has to spell those new names – finally!! –ed.) The last spot on the podium was Montiero (M-O-N-T-I-E-R-O) with the Jordan, who became the first Portuguese driver to finish on the podium of an F1 race. The kid did a good job and was ecstatic. No one should take away his moment as a rookie with any negatives. He was having the time of his life on the podium. Good for him. Too bad the podium wasn't big enough for the next three drivers, but they deserve the points that they got. With the Ferraris at the top and only one other spot, Narain Karthikeyan (K-A-R-T-H-I-K-E-Y-A-N) would finish in the first non-podium position. This was the most points scored by an Indian driver in an F1 event. Both Jordans finished a lap back of the Ferraris.

Hey, there was also something else that doesn't happen often. Both Minardis finished in the points. Christian Albers (A-L-B-E-R-S) would finish ahead of his team mate Patrick Friesacher (F-R-I-E-S-A-C-H-E-R). If you are a Minardi fan, please note that there are better odds in London and Las Vegas right now of a comet coming by and wiping us all out, than of Minardi doing this again.

That's it. That's all that happened race wise. See anything missing? No sign of a dieting Juan Pablo Montoya? How about Jacques "the-moving-chicane-for-his-team-mate" Villeneuve? The iceman? Flabio's kids? "Blow-the-motor" Sato-san? "I'm-waiting-to-get-out-of-my-contract" Webber?

No? Well that's because they didn't race. No, I'm not kidding, just in case you are one of the few that haven't heard by now. They took the grid for the formation lap then parked all 14 Michelin shod cars in the pits. You couldn't write this garbage with a ton of drugs and half a bottle of Jack Daniel's in your stomach.

Here is the way that I understand the situation right now. I've tried very hard to follow it and I think the FIA is doing the right thing by releasing copies of the documents to inform the fans that don't want to just blame anyone that was there. Two tires failed in practice on Friday. Ralf Schumacher crashed hard in the second session. Michelin looked at it and said "je ne sais pas" which translated into current American English means "beats the merde out of me". They then figured out that the tire couldn't handle the loads generated by trying to take turn 13 flat. They looked at the back up tires (which, in theory should be more conservative) and said, "Nope, they’re bad too".

So rather than telling the teams "you might want to be a little careful and not take turn 13 flat out", they went to the FIA and said "change the track or we don't race" which also translates to "we screwed up and made the tires wrong and we want you to throw the rule book out so we can have a chance of winning". But the latter statement will never appear in print on Michelin letterhead.

So, the FIA, following only about 100 years of precedent in racing, said "run what you brung". No telling what the teams said behind closed doors (but it was all probably centered around how do we make Ferrari look like the bad guy in this one), but the result was the massive traffic jam on the pit lane at the start of the race.

I'm not going to attempt to point the finger and say who is to blame. I'll leave that for the FIA. Before you go out and blame the FIA or Bernie or Ferrari or Tony George and his company, ask yourself this. Would anyone spend $200+ million on a "formula" series where the rules are open for discussion at every meeting? Can you imagine a world where every team principal acted like Paul Stoddard all the time? That's not racing, that's a soap opera. And a soap opera costs much less to produce than everyone is spending on this series. The FIA will get their pound of flesh from the teams, maybe 20-30 pounds from Norbert Haug or Flabio since they can both spare it and still fit in the same pairs of pants. While I hate to see it happen this way, there is a good chance that Ferrari and its drivers will move to the tops of all of the charts based on penalties that are handed out to the teams that chose not to run.

The people that I feel sorry for are the fans that spent their own money to show up to see this. Formula 1 isn't the most popular form of motor sport in the United States and this probably threw all of the hard work that countless people spent over the last decade to get it to the point that it was before the formation lap. This could be the end of F1 at Indy, and that is a shame.

This circus, and I really think that title is now official, will return to Europe in Michelin's own backyard for the Grand Prix of France next. Who knows how many class action law suits will be filed before then. Stay tuned, we might get lucky and have a real race break out in this drama. Or, God might look down and say "I've had enough of this crap" and send a comet our way...